SAPhoneMeeting Blog

            Welcome to our SA Phone Meeting Web Log.  This is an extension from the regular web site and will expand upon our primary purpose of serving the fellowship of Sexaholics Anonymous in a more casual forum.  We are committed to providing a resource for S.A. members in a timely fashion about upcoming events and information related to Sexaholics Anonymous.  Please visit us @ www.saphonemeeting.org to see our schedule of meetings updated regularly along with downloadable scripts, formats and other readings commonly used.

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            One of the many goals is to encourage participation of S.A. members, groups and committees in S.A. services and activities. To this end, we offer a "transparent" vehicle with no hidden agenda.  We believe the real magic of recovery is when one sexaholic talks to another--- sharing experience, strength and hope and the "Language of the Heart".  The opinions expressed in this Blog by no means constitutes or indicates review, endorsement or approval of SAICO.  We are committed to the growth of Sexaholics Anonymous and encourage feedback on many of our postings by clicking on the "Comments" link at the bottom of each publication.

Here are a few thoughts about today's reading:

• Thank God 12 Step recovery has such a KISS philosophy. Sometimes even that's too long. So take it 60 minutes at a time OHAAT. Ironically, the reading suggests we "learn to take a long view" yet for this sexaholic, I almost always project the worst, worry about tomorrow and feel guilty about yesterday.


• "Glamour of the night before" - what a powerful way to think of things.  It is so easy to get off kilter when you join the human race.  Just about everywhere I go, and everyone I talk to requires me to behave and act like a mature, responsible adult.  So, when I see something that looks really attractive (i.e. a popular drinking bar party, a young lady in a bathing suit, -et cetera) my instinct is to escape reality.  Unfortunately, there is a heavy price to pay.


• My SA sponsor always used to tell me that there were "consequences".  For me, the destruction of Sex Addiction has taken an enormous toll on my career.  For example, I can't begin to describe all the job situations where I got myself into trouble because I was unable to concentrate, be grateful and keep my mouth shut.  The other area is my family.  Unfortunately, my relationship with my parents is nothing what I would like it to be.  In addition, my wife and kids have been traumatized by this disease.  In other words, generally everyone I come in contact with is affected.  What's worse is that my loved ones are affected the most.


• The meditation is pretty deep.  I don't always feel like much of a role model, practicing God's will.  However, when I am really centered and feeling good about myself, I try to smile and be courteous to folks.  It's amazing to see the reaction when you are nice to people.


• The greatest achievement I'll ever achieve in 12-step recovery is "human".  In other words, I'll never be perfect but at least I can try.

"We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us. Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors." ACA Laundry List

I remember coming to my first "S" fellowship meeting back around 1995.  It was Sex Love Addicts Anonymous.  About a few months later, I found out about SA.  Since I had previous 12-step experience, folks compared AA to SLAA and they said Sexaholics Anonymous was similar to Narcotics Anonymous.  In other words, AA was tough but NA was a lot more strict.

SA - Sexaholics Anonymous

SAA - Sex Addicts Anonymous

SCA - Sexual Compulsives Anonymous

SIA - Survivors of Incest Anonymous

SLAA - Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous

I don't really consider those first 6 years of going to meetings both in SLAA and SA to count because I really wasn't the least bit willing to surender my desire for lust and masturbation.  However, in 2001 when my girlfriend Rene moved in I realized that I needed to get sober. She and I met in 1992 about a month after I got sober in Alcoholics Anonymous and going to meetings.  We dated for 10 years until we got married on 10/6/2002.  We are coming up on our 10 year wedding anniversary and I still have no idea how to stop masturbating for any long period of time.

"Pornography addiction has its roots in the viewing and hoarding of magazine and video pornography. However, these days porn addicts have new and frighteningly powerful enablers: the Internet, Smartphones, and social media. Porn addicts today can feed their Internet porn problem by viewing online still photos, downloading porn videos, or by having webcam sex (paid and unpaid). Some use the Internet to simply view images while others eventually end up using the Internet as a vehicle to meet with anonymous sexual partners. The ‘new media’ of smartphones offers some addicts instant phone-based porn downloads along with wherever/whenever live video streaming of sexual activities, while Facebook can leave some cruising images and profiles for hours on end.
 
What is porn addiction? Similar to someone with a chemical or substance addiction, porn addicts tend to replace important relationships and commitments with their “drug” of choice: pornography. Non-Internet porn addicts can be found in places like strip clubs and adult bookstores, but it is unlikely that they have a strip club addiction or an adult bookstore addiction, but rather that they have consistent and compulsive sexual problems that manifest in different ways" (Read more). Additional resources

For over 15 years, I have been journaling in a spiral notebook.  I use this tool as an opportunity to reflect on my life and get closer to God.  Now, I enjoy alternating my journal entries online for others to enjoy.  Nobody reads my notebooks, not even me.  Rather, it's like going to a meeting and sharing random thoughts.  Most people can't remember what I said last month or even care.  However, I know that I must apply the tools of the program every day.  So, I benefit tremendously.  More importantly, I hope others can identify with my feelings and ideas and not feel so isolated, which is what our addiction wants.

The above reading helps me define precisely what my major form of compuslive behavior is.  I didn't start going to strip clubs until I was about 35 years old, just after I got engaged.  Up until then, I generally thought those places were for losers, because I could always find women to have sex with in public places.  However, for the past 2 years or so, my disease has gone more "underground".  I am afraid of infidelity (marital disloyalty; unfaithfulness. a breach of trust or a disloyal act; transgression. adultery - voluntary sexual intercourse between a married man or woman and a partner other than the legal spouse).  Thus, if I don't leave the house I'm essentially avoiding the temptation.

SA has introduced a lot of terms that I never understood.  For example, I was guilty of fornication (voluntary sexual intercourse between two unmarried persons or two persons not married to each other) from the age of 18 till 35.  I am turning 45 this year, and thank God I never cheated on my wife.  However, I am ashamed that I lust after other women in my mind.  I get a tremendous high looking at images on the Internet which always leads to masturbation.

I was celibate for the first 18 years (abstention from sexual relations. the state of being unmarried), abstinent from sex with my wife for about 6 months in a row, and totally abstinent from all sex for about 2 months since I was legal age.  More importantly, I went 100 days in a row back in 2010 of sexual sobriety according to the SA White Book definition.

As I was looking up some of these terms, I also found it interesting to note that I have never committed buggery (unnatural intercourse with a man. sodomy refers to anal sex or other non-penile/vaginal copulation-like acts, especially between male persons or between a person and an animal).  There are many forms of sexual acting out that the SA literature describes and the bottom line is --- "I AM A SEXAHOLIC".  One of my biggest problems is beating myself up.  I am very ambitious and I can be very hard on myself.  Just for today, I plan to be honest, unselfish, humble, empathetic, loving and pure.  This next reading below (reference unknown) gave me hope that I feel very grateful that I am still married.

"If masturbation becomes obsessive it will lead to a loss of control in the life just like gluttony or any other form of appetite gone astray.  The young person should be taught to confess the sin of appetite which is out of control rather than to tell them that they are sexually perverted or nasty.  The sin is that of not letting the Holy Spirit lead in appetites. 

Another way in which masturbation is, without a doubt, sinful is when it is accompanied by the use of pornography, filthy music, or even mental fantasies of women other than the spouse. This is so common that it is assumed to be the only method of masturbating. Of course, many young people do NOT start out in their first masturbating venture with ANY fantasy. They have no history to work with mentally. They are just playing with their hardpiano coverse.

The older a man gets, the more he accumulates a mental history which feeds fantasy, and thus, the more tempted he will be to sin by mental lust as he masturbates. This is why Paul piano coversns Timothy to "flee youthful lusts." We said that masturbation is NOT called sin in the Bible, but sexual lust for a women IS called sin by Jesus. To add masturbation to this mental "youthful lust" will insure trouble by and by. So, it IS true that masturbation is easily perverted by fetishes of the mind or magazine. I knew a man who fantasized in lust for a woman in the church fellowship while he masturbated, and whenever he came to church and saw the woman, he blushed with shame. So, this IS a danger for sure.

DOES MASTURBATION SERVE ANY GOOD PURPOSE?

When a husband and wife are separated against their will and one is having severe temptations with lust, masturbation can serve as a release for those drives.  This has saved many men from infidelity.  In that sense, and I suppose I shall be thrashed for this, I suggest that masturbation is a very useful solution.  Masturbation is also a release to young unmarried men.  We just don't like to admit it.  Many a young man has defused a setting for fornication by masturbating ahead of time.  Cold showers are fine, but they don't last.  Of course, a young man can further help this struggle greatly by making sure he is only found in modest company."

I have to remember that "we can do together what I can't do alone".  It's hard when you get a little bit of knowledge because it can delude me --- His conceit deluded him into believing he was important.

“Where there is no guidance the people fall, but in abundance of counselors there is victory” (Proverbs 11:14, NASB)

Acceptance and faith are capable of producing 100 per cent sobriety.
In fact, they usually do; and they must, else we could have no life
at all. But the moment we carry these attitudesinto our emotional
problems, we find that only relative results are possible. Nobody
can, for example, become completely free from fear, anger, and pride.
Hence, in this life we shall attain nothing like perfect humility and
love. So we shall have to settle, respecting most of our problems,
for a very gradual progress, punctuated sometimes by heavy setbacks.
Our oldtime attitude of "all or nothing" will have to be abandoned.
1. GRAPEVINE, MARCH 1962

"This meant eliminating from what was under my control all printed and visual materials and other symbols of my tyranny. I had to stop feeding my lust by looking around, in my use of television, movies, and music; and by using and listening to the language of lust. I also had to stop living only and always inside my own head. That's one of the great fringe benefits of going to a lot of meetings. Most of us sexaholics really live on the inside of our heads; we're seldom in the real world." (WB pg. 158).

I don't stand a chance unless I do.  "Remember that we deal with lust — cunning, baffling, and powerful!" (WB pg. 206).  Everywhere I go, everything I do.  This includes everything I think, feel, say, and especially perceive.

Thank God there is a program for someone as sick as me.  God can move mountains but I need to bring a shovel.  Like the ole Nike slogan, "Just Do It".

I am extremely compulsive. The SA Problem describes my disease very accurately. I'm returning to the SA Phone Meetings after taking a 2-month sabbatical. Meanwhile, the good news is that thanks to the program, promiscuity does NOT exist in my life today. I'm married and have NOT committed adultery (thank God) since 2002.

"We saw that our problem was threefold: physical, emotional, and spiritual. Healing had to come about in all three. The crucial change in attitude began when we admitted we were powerless, that our habit had us whipped. We came to meetings and withdrew from our habit. For some, this meant no sex with themselves or others, including not getting into relationships. For others it also meant "drying out" and not having sex with the spouse for a time to recover from lust." (THE SOLUTION WB pgs. 204-5)

If you are feeling down and discouraged, consider these lyrics below from Fleetwood Mac. Click here

"If you wake up and don't want to smile,
If it takes just a little while,
Open your eyes and look at the day,
You'll see things in a different way.

Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
It'll be, better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone."

My experience with the following passage from the White Book, pg. 45 follows.

A Personal Point of View
It's pretty tough to get a handle on it, but here's what lust looks like in my life. It's a slave master that wants to control my sex for its own ends in its own way whenever it wants. And it's like mental-spiritual noise that distorts and perverts sex, much as a raucous radio interference distorts a lovely melody.

Lust is not sex, and it is not physical. It seems to be a screen of self-indulgent fantasy separating me from reality—either the reality of my own person in sex with myself or the reality of my spouse. It works the same way whether with a girlfriend, a prostitute, or my wife. It thus negates identity, either mine or the other person's, and is anti-real, working against my own reality, working against me.

I can't have true union with my wife while lust is active because she as a person really doesn't matter; she's even in the way; she's merely the sexual instrument. And I can't have true union within myself while I'm splitting myself having sex with myself. That fantasy partner I've conjured up in my mind is really part of me! With lust, the sex act is not the result of personal union; sex doesn't flow from that union. Sex energized by lust makes true union impossible.

The nature of the lust-noise interference I superimpose over sex can be many things: memories, fantasies ranging from the erotic to revenge or even violence. Or, it can be the mental image of a single fetish or of some other person. Seen in this light, lust can exist apart from sex. Indeed, there are those who say they are obsessed with lust who can no longer have sex. I see my lust as a force that apparently infuses and distorts my other instincts as well: eating, drinking, working, anger... I know I have a lust to resent; it seems as strong as sexual lust ever was.

In my experience, lust is not physical; it is not even strong sexual desire. It seems to be a spiritual force that distorts my instincts; and whenever let loose in one area, seems to want to infect other areas as well.
And being nonsexual, lust crosses all lines, including gender. When energized by lust, my sexual fantasies or acting out can go in any direction, shaped by whatever I experience. Thus, the more I indulge in sexual lust, the less truly sexual I become.

Therefore, my basic problem as a recovering sexaholic is to live free from my lust. When I entertain it in any form, sooner or later it tries to express itself in every form. And lust becomes the indicator of not only what I do, but what I am.
But there is great hope here. By surrendering lust and its acting out each time I'm tempted by it, and then experiencing God's life-giving deliverance from its power, recovery and healing are taking place, and wholeness is being restored—true union within myself first, then with others and the Source of my life.

Lust Is . . .
Not being able to say no
Constantly being in dangerous sexual situations
Turning my head as if sex-starved all the time
Attraction only to beautiful people
Erotic fantasies
Use of erotic media
Being addicted to the partner as I would be to a drug
Losing my identity in the partner
Obsession with the romantic—going for the "chemistry"
The desire to make the other person lust

Another Personal Perspective
Lust Kills
Lust is the most important thing in my life; it takes priority over me.
Captive to lust, I cannot be myself.
Lust makes me its slave; it kills my freedom; it kills me.
Lust always wants more; lust creates more lust.
Lust is jealous; it wants to possess me.
Lust makes me self-obsessed; it drives me into myself.
Lust makes sex impossible without lust.
Lust destroys the ability to love; it kills love.
Lust destroys the ability to receive love; it kills me.
Lust creates guilt—unavoidably; and guilt has to be expiated.
Lust makes part of me want to die because I can't bear what
I'm doing to myself and my powerlessness over it.
Increasingly, I direct this guilt and self-hatred inward and outward.
Lust is destructive to me and those around me.
Lust kills the spirit; my spirit is me. Lust kills me!

Lately I've been comatose!

I started thinking about why? Essentially, I have been lacking alertness or energy.  Problems around consistent sleep lead me to believe there are "bipolar" symptoms.  Either I wake up in the middle of night or I want to sleep all day, masturbate, watch TV/movies and eat junk food.  Most people would diagnose this as depression.

So, I researched a little more and found some interesting words to describe the situation better.  Namely, torpid---not active or sluggish; slow; dull; apathetic; dormant, as a hibernating animal; lethargic---drowsy; sluggish; apathetic---having or showing little or no emotion; not interested or concerned; indifferent or unresponsive.

Ironically, I can easily shift to the other extreme after a shower, few cups of coffee and an AA/SA meeting.  The antonym is emotional, which tends to flare up and I get angry, loud, obnoxious and controversial.

I think our literature describes this dual personality as "Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde" syndrome.  However, left untreated for too long, ultimately leads to a "pathetic" state of affairs---causing or evoking pity, sympathetic sadness, sorrow; pitiful; miserably or contemptibly inadequate.

So, here I am, at a crossroads once again.  The bottom line is, I took a 2 week hiatus---a break or interruption in the continuity of a work, series, action, etc. Life may not get better, but hopefully I'm figuring out how to get better.

Today’s busy lifestyle often is interrupted by cell phones. For example, when you call a friend and they say, "I'm really busy I can't talk right now." The puzzling question is, 'why did you answer the phone?'

However, if it were your wife and she says, "...because what if you had an emergency." It points out a clear selfless perspective!

Another very common occurrence is when I'm talking and someone says, "I'm sorry to interrupt but..."  If the other person is truly sorry then why did they interrupt?

If you feel you may be addicted to lust or sex, you may be interested in knowing something about Sexaholics Anonymous.

Though the idea of sex addiction is new to many, sex is increasingly understood as another in the growing list of addictive means people use to reduce isolation, lack of emotion and tension; to resolve conflict, gain power and provide escape; or supply false emotional and spiritual security.

Many of us saw that regardless of how, why or when it began, there came a time when we were acting against our wills.  Only when we tried stopping did we see that we were addicted to lust, sex, or relationships.  We were sex-aholics. (SA pamphlet)

Interestingly enough, people have been having trouble with sex for a long time.  A good friend of mine with 44 years of AA sobriety often mentions the Bible as a good "point of reference".

Adultery
5:27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ 5:28 But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to desire her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 5:29 If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away! It is better to lose one of your members than to have your whole body thrown into hell. 5:30 If your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away! It is better to lose one of your members than to have your whole body go into hell.

Divorce
5:31 “It was said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife must give her a legal document.’ 5:32 But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

Oaths
5:33 “Again, you have heard that it was said to an older generation, ‘Do not break an oath, but fulfill your vows to the Lord.’ 5:34 But I say to you, do not take oaths at all – not by heaven, because it is the throne of God, 5:35 not by earth, because it is his footstool, and not by Jerusalem, because it is the city of the great King. 5:36 Do not take an oath by your head, because you are not able to make one hair white or black. 5:37 Let your word be ‘Yes, yes’ or ‘No, no.’ More than this is from the evil one.

Retaliation
5:38 “You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ 5:39 But I say to you, do not resist the evildoer. But whoever strikes you on the right cheek, turn the other to him as well. 5:40 And if someone wants to sue you and to take your tunic, give him your coat also. 5:41 And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two. 5:42 Give to the one who asks you, and do not reject the one who wants to borrow from you.

Love for Enemies
5:43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor’ and ‘hate your enemy.’ 5:44 But I say to you, love your enemy and pray for those who persecute you, 5:45 so that you may be like your Father in heaven, since he causes the sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 5:46 For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Even the tax collectors do the same, don’t they? 5:47 And if you only greet your brothers, what more do you do? Even the Gentiles do the same, don’t they? 5:48 So then, be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

Pure-hearted Giving
6:1 “Be careful not to display your righteousness merely to be seen by people. Otherwise you have no reward with your Father in heaven. 6:2 Thus whenever you do charitable giving, do not blow a trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in synagogues and on streets so that people will praise them. I tell you the truth, they have their reward. 6:3 But when you do your giving, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, 6:4 so that your gift may be in secret. And your Father, who sees in secret, will reward you. (Mathew 5)

Deception, beguilement, deceit, bluff, mystification, bad faith, and subterfuge are acts to propagate beliefs that are not true, or not the whole truth (as in half-truths or omission). Deception can involve dissimulation, propaganda, and sleight of hand. It can employ distraction, camouflage or concealment. There is also self-deception as in bad faith.
 
Deception is a major relational transgression that often leads to feelings of betrayal and distrust between relational partners. Deception violates relational rules and is considered to be a negative violation of expectations. Most people expect friends, relational partners, and even strangers to be truthful most of the time. If people expected most conversations to be untruthful, talking and communicating with others would require distraction and misdirection to acquire reliable information. On a given day, it is likely that most human beings will either deceive or be deceived by another person. A significant amount of deception occurs between romantic and relational partners.  Read more

I remember watching "The General's Daughter" movie and was blown away by the deception between a beautiful lady and her own father.  How sad.  The good news is, I don't have to be a bad father, nor a bad husband, bad brother, bad son.  ODAAT thanks to Sexaholics Anonymous & AA